i need help. like professional help.

i'm at the very edge of losing my sanity. if anything, my condition has gotten worse. i have lots of mood swings and suicidal tendencies.

it's very likely that i'm suffering from borderline personality disorder. the thing is, i haven't been diagnosed yet. i never knew i was in such a bad state. in fact, i still don't.

i'm just tired of fucking up my relationships with the people around me and being so suicidal and pessimistic all the time.

when night falls, god, how i wish i were dead. my demons love to come out to play at night. especially if it's the time of the month. it gets so bad, i feel i can't breathe properly.

i feel if i don't hold back and start crying for real, i'm never going to stop crying.

i'm tired of talking about my problems. they sound so petty, so minor, so common. my past may not be common, but right now i feel like i'm just wallowing in fucking self-pity.

i feel torn because i don't know if i'm fucked enough to seek professional help but i do know that i can't continue living like this because i feel like i'm dying everyday.

i'm not sure who or what i am anymore. i am just a fragment of my past and the relationships i have with people. there doesn't seem to be a definite 'me'.

i can't seek professional help unless i get it for free or for a small sum because the father has retired. money issues is the only thing that keeps me from slitting my wrists to get into hospital. i'd love that. sometime to myself finally. a real break.

but i can't. so i'm really at a loss of what to do now.